We were like diamonds in the sky...

I miss you so bad...

A teardrop is falling
No hand reached out
Eye lids are closing
Darkness is coming out

To love another
Is like loving a stranger
Hurt and anger
Feelings I want no longer

I long to hear
Your voice once more
But I still fear
The pain I caused to your core

Forgive and forget
May sound so easy
I place my bet
You were my best memory

I was the thorn in your life
I gave you such a scare
From the stem of rose, down I dive
Leaving you with a nightmare

The truth, my lips are sealed
Reasons, you don’t know why
The feelings, are forever real
Now you say goodbye.

I'm smilling but inside I'm dying

Why Can't You Understand, It's Because of HIM

3 times.... it's been 3 times already. You put me through it 3 times. I can't take anymore. I can't keep hurting you. I would choose to hurt myself but we would both end up getting hurt in the end.
You keep trying. I keep rejecting. It's not easy for both of us. Yet you're going strong. And I'm getting weaker.
Tears fall because I'm hurting you.  Its either you or both of us. I can't risk my heart yet.  It's too soon.  It's too early.  BUT WHY DONT YOU GET THAT? WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I CANT LET GO YET? WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT MY HEART IS BROKEN? WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOURE NOT HIM? WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND......
It would be easier if you didnt feel anything for me. It would be easier if we could be just friends. It would be easier if you didn't love me...
Because of him, I can't be with you properly.  Because of him, I don't see you. Because of him, you're always standing infront of his shadow. Because of him, my eyes see you but my heart doesn't.  Because of him, I don't love you.

I'm not ready...

Its been a few months. But it feels like just yesterday I was on my bed in my room explaining myself to him.

I'm still hurting, but I don't want to be anymore. I still love him, but I don't want to anymore. I still miss him and I hate the feeling.

Others are approaching. Some have potential, some can't take a hint.

I'm not ready for someone new.  I'm not ready to replace him. I'm not ready to put myself out there yet. I'm not ready to feel yet. I'm not ready to risk getting hurt. I'm not ready....

Maybe someone new...

I didn't think I could feel again. I thought I was permanently damaged. I thought I was out of it for good. The scar is still there. It still burns like ambers. I no longer look at at his photos. I no longer look at his profile. I no longer want to know about his life without me. I'm not sure if this is me moving on or is it just to painful to know.

All I know now is that someone else is constantly pushing him out of my head.

The BLAST....

It shocked me. Unexpected. Unannounced. Un-everything!! I knew change was inevitable. I knew it had to happen. I just didn't think it would be this soon.

I can hear every breath I take. My mind is reeling out of control. My future is now a blur... AA hates his new responsibility. He told me " I'm not ready." To be honest, i don't think he is either. But he's next in line. But it just doesnt feel right. he argues with her a lot. He wouldnt help when he's mad. I don't want to leave her life and future in his hands. I don't think he can put his emotions aside when he has to deal with matters involving her. It'll be like before, those time when we were kids, he won't help if he doesnt get what he wants.

I'm scared, freaking out. I'm willing to take the responsibility. Better me than him. I don't trust him to do the right thing when the time calls for it. He did say '' I'm the type that chooses family over friends". But they just expect me to go on with my life like nothing happened. They don't understand that I' not worried about me, I'm worried about them.

The BLAST, why so soon??? If only we had more time... If only we knew long before it came. If only they gave us more than a 24-hour notice. . .

If only....sigh...