I'm not ready...

Its been a few months. But it feels like just yesterday I was on my bed in my room explaining myself to him.

I'm still hurting, but I don't want to be anymore. I still love him, but I don't want to anymore. I still miss him and I hate the feeling.

Others are approaching. Some have potential, some can't take a hint.

I'm not ready for someone new.  I'm not ready to replace him. I'm not ready to put myself out there yet. I'm not ready to feel yet. I'm not ready to risk getting hurt. I'm not ready....

Maybe someone new...

I didn't think I could feel again. I thought I was permanently damaged. I thought I was out of it for good. The scar is still there. It still burns like ambers. I no longer look at at his photos. I no longer look at his profile. I no longer want to know about his life without me. I'm not sure if this is me moving on or is it just to painful to know.

All I know now is that someone else is constantly pushing him out of my head.

The BLAST....

It shocked me. Unexpected. Unannounced. Un-everything!! I knew change was inevitable. I knew it had to happen. I just didn't think it would be this soon.

I can hear every breath I take. My mind is reeling out of control. My future is now a blur... AA hates his new responsibility. He told me " I'm not ready." To be honest, i don't think he is either. But he's next in line. But it just doesnt feel right. he argues with her a lot. He wouldnt help when he's mad. I don't want to leave her life and future in his hands. I don't think he can put his emotions aside when he has to deal with matters involving her. It'll be like before, those time when we were kids, he won't help if he doesnt get what he wants.

I'm scared, freaking out. I'm willing to take the responsibility. Better me than him. I don't trust him to do the right thing when the time calls for it. He did say '' I'm the type that chooses family over friends". But they just expect me to go on with my life like nothing happened. They don't understand that I' not worried about me, I'm worried about them.

The BLAST, why so soon??? If only we had more time... If only we knew long before it came. If only they gave us more than a 24-hour notice. . .

If only....sigh...

I still miss you

Breathe. That’s all I kept telling myself as I attempted to go back into my past. My hands started shaking. My heart started skipping beats.

My mind raced back to September 26 2010. The first day I met you. I knew you were younger though your height and looks begged to differ. The Melacca school trip. I remember those pants you wore at the water park. The colours were so striking, I could almost believe you borrowed it from a clown. I remember reading your poem that you showed me through your phone. . .

A year and a week later, 29 September 2011, was the day I never saw coming. It was a Thursday and you begged me to come and see you during school. I skipped class during your recess. I couldn’t see it but I felt you were nervous when I told you I had to go. You proposed to me to be your girlfriend and I remember being shocked. Though I was unsure, I said yes. I felt that a rejection would be the biggest mistake of my life. You were so happy. I remember your smile. You hugged me right under the office. . .

Then came the anniversary that didn’t happen…

The memories are painful to bear and impossible to let go. I don’t live with regrets but you are the only exception. You didn’t deserve what I put us through. You didn’t deserve all that pain that I caused. My heart can’t break again because it is no longer whole.

What I have done has no comparison,
I made mistakes without making decisions,
Your love is worth everything and priceless
A broken heart feels nothing except sadness.

The day has come to an end yet the feelings haven’t even started to fade. Maybe now just isn’t our time. But it shouldn’t stop us from living our lives. I put my love for you in fate’s hands. If I am worthy of you, fate will bring us together. Only time will show us our destinies.

Hopefully, I’ll see you in the future.
xoxoxoxo

I'm haunted

...by the memory of you...

The longer I stay here, the louder the silence

As I drown in my regrets, I can't take back the words I never said