Our Parallel Universe

Some where out there there is a parallel universe where you and I can be happy, and there is a parallel future where we get married, and there is a parallel future where we gray with grace and love...

I like it when you smile, but I love it when I'm the reason

I'm sorry but I couldn't let it happen. Maybe it wouldn't have happen. Maybe I'm just being paranoid. But you really like me. And I'm still finding myself

We were inseparable

Mistakes...

People make mistakes. I did. But it's ok. I've had a change of heart. i'm gonna look at this from a different point of view. We're apart now. And I'm ok with that. Our lives are longer crossing paths. maybe in the future, they will. And we'll have our time again.

I'm not ready to open my heart yet. Maybe I'll never be able to do that the same way again. But I do have friends that are always there for me. There's no point regretting the past. So i'm gonna live like there's no tomorrow.

Thanks for the memories

You can find the good in everybody if you just give them a chance

For those who say that we're too young...

You can drive at 17
You can go to war at 18
You can drink at 18
And you can retire at 65
So how old do you have to be before your love is real...?

We were like diamonds in the sky...

I miss you so bad...

A teardrop is falling
No hand reached out
Eye lids are closing
Darkness is coming out

To love another
Is like loving a stranger
Hurt and anger
Feelings I want no longer

I long to hear
Your voice once more
But I still fear
The pain I caused to your core

Forgive and forget
May sound so easy
I place my bet
You were my best memory

I was the thorn in your life
I gave you such a scare
From the stem of rose, down I dive
Leaving you with a nightmare

The truth, my lips are sealed
Reasons, you don’t know why
The feelings, are forever real
Now you say goodbye.

I'm smilling but inside I'm dying

Why Can't You Understand, It's Because of HIM

3 times.... it's been 3 times already. You put me through it 3 times. I can't take anymore. I can't keep hurting you. I would choose to hurt myself but we would both end up getting hurt in the end.
You keep trying. I keep rejecting. It's not easy for both of us. Yet you're going strong. And I'm getting weaker.
Tears fall because I'm hurting you.  Its either you or both of us. I can't risk my heart yet.  It's too soon.  It's too early.  BUT WHY DONT YOU GET THAT? WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I CANT LET GO YET? WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT MY HEART IS BROKEN? WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT YOURE NOT HIM? WHY CANT YOU UNDERSTAND......
It would be easier if you didnt feel anything for me. It would be easier if we could be just friends. It would be easier if you didn't love me...
Because of him, I can't be with you properly.  Because of him, I don't see you. Because of him, you're always standing infront of his shadow. Because of him, my eyes see you but my heart doesn't.  Because of him, I don't love you.

I'm not ready...

Its been a few months. But it feels like just yesterday I was on my bed in my room explaining myself to him.

I'm still hurting, but I don't want to be anymore. I still love him, but I don't want to anymore. I still miss him and I hate the feeling.

Others are approaching. Some have potential, some can't take a hint.

I'm not ready for someone new.  I'm not ready to replace him. I'm not ready to put myself out there yet. I'm not ready to feel yet. I'm not ready to risk getting hurt. I'm not ready....

Maybe someone new...

I didn't think I could feel again. I thought I was permanently damaged. I thought I was out of it for good. The scar is still there. It still burns like ambers. I no longer look at at his photos. I no longer look at his profile. I no longer want to know about his life without me. I'm not sure if this is me moving on or is it just to painful to know.

All I know now is that someone else is constantly pushing him out of my head.

The BLAST....

It shocked me. Unexpected. Unannounced. Un-everything!! I knew change was inevitable. I knew it had to happen. I just didn't think it would be this soon.

I can hear every breath I take. My mind is reeling out of control. My future is now a blur... AA hates his new responsibility. He told me " I'm not ready." To be honest, i don't think he is either. But he's next in line. But it just doesnt feel right. he argues with her a lot. He wouldnt help when he's mad. I don't want to leave her life and future in his hands. I don't think he can put his emotions aside when he has to deal with matters involving her. It'll be like before, those time when we were kids, he won't help if he doesnt get what he wants.

I'm scared, freaking out. I'm willing to take the responsibility. Better me than him. I don't trust him to do the right thing when the time calls for it. He did say '' I'm the type that chooses family over friends". But they just expect me to go on with my life like nothing happened. They don't understand that I' not worried about me, I'm worried about them.

The BLAST, why so soon??? If only we had more time... If only we knew long before it came. If only they gave us more than a 24-hour notice. . .

If only....sigh...

I still miss you

Breathe. That’s all I kept telling myself as I attempted to go back into my past. My hands started shaking. My heart started skipping beats.

My mind raced back to September 26 2010. The first day I met you. I knew you were younger though your height and looks begged to differ. The Melacca school trip. I remember those pants you wore at the water park. The colours were so striking, I could almost believe you borrowed it from a clown. I remember reading your poem that you showed me through your phone. . .

A year and a week later, 29 September 2011, was the day I never saw coming. It was a Thursday and you begged me to come and see you during school. I skipped class during your recess. I couldn’t see it but I felt you were nervous when I told you I had to go. You proposed to me to be your girlfriend and I remember being shocked. Though I was unsure, I said yes. I felt that a rejection would be the biggest mistake of my life. You were so happy. I remember your smile. You hugged me right under the office. . .

Then came the anniversary that didn’t happen…

The memories are painful to bear and impossible to let go. I don’t live with regrets but you are the only exception. You didn’t deserve what I put us through. You didn’t deserve all that pain that I caused. My heart can’t break again because it is no longer whole.

What I have done has no comparison,
I made mistakes without making decisions,
Your love is worth everything and priceless
A broken heart feels nothing except sadness.

The day has come to an end yet the feelings haven’t even started to fade. Maybe now just isn’t our time. But it shouldn’t stop us from living our lives. I put my love for you in fate’s hands. If I am worthy of you, fate will bring us together. Only time will show us our destinies.

Hopefully, I’ll see you in the future.
xoxoxoxo

I'm haunted

...by the memory of you...

The longer I stay here, the louder the silence

As I drown in my regrets, I can't take back the words I never said

I miss...... (sigh)

A lot to handle..

I'm not in the mood to explain much. I just feel like writing so I don't do something worse. (Sigh) I've been back for the past 6 days. Boy, does time fly!

Raya this year was different. No visiting families. No duit raya. No ketupat and lemang. Just my mom, my brother and me at The Gardens Hotel. It was fun. But where ever my brother goes, trouble follows. He just has childish mood swings after he gets what he wants. Nothing much to say about raya this year. It was peceful :)

First few friends I met was Yvette, Sanjiiv and Sean. The day turned out quite...interesting after I did the dare from Yvette. Felt wrong though, but hey, its what sin tastes like.

I've been sick for the past four days. It's tiring and I can't sleep. No mood to study and I just feel like sleeping the whole day.

My room still brings back unforgetable memories..... It's disturbing and (shiver)... ehem.... Gotta keep my head in the game. Finals in 2 weeks, thats more important than some feelings running down my spine...

Love.... is a leap of faith

I'm still in love with you, but I don't want to be...

Brave

Faith be changed,
Look inside,
Mend the bond,
Torn by pride...

There's so many things to say to so many people

So full until emptiness fills the soul

I'll write again when I know what to say..

My Last Goodbye

If there's a prize for rotten judgement, I guess I've already won that. Who do I think I'm kidding? Though I'm tring to keep it hidden, I look in the mirror and I can see right through me. I can't conceal it. Why deny it...? Because he doesn't wanna hear it...

My plan worked perfectly the moment I wanted it to fail epicly. I did plan everything. I told her everything I wanted her to tell him. And he did. I planned it because I thought that if he knew I loved him, he would never leave. And I wanted him to move on. Then Stupid-Me decided to spill the beans and tell him the truth for reasons I'm still confused about. She's the one he trusts, not me. So he believed her, just like I planned. Only now, I wish it didn't work. (not writing some feelings because I don't want it to be true) I just didn't want us to be together right now, but that doesn't change how much I miss him.

I can't tell him his theory is wrong. I think I made a retorical promise on that. I don't wanna hurt him anymore. And if that means no talking, no texting, no calling, no blog-writing about him, so be it. I broke his heart and mine and I don't know how to put the pieces back together...

This chapter of my life is closed and not to be written about again...

The memories can't fade because my feelings didn't...

Everything's a mess. Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead. And it was foolish of me to actually trust someone else and not you...

When I was gone . . .

I didn't go online for the past 2 days. It's the only thing connecting me to the world. And I didn't feel like "staying connected". i just felt like living my life. I wanted to see what would happen if I didn't think much and just did whatever I feel like doing.

I had a really awesome time. I rode a bike at midnight with a friend at 120km/h. Totally reckless but it was worth the risk. I never felt so loose in my life. I realised I loved the danger :) I drove a Naza unser with 5 passengers and they were all screaming for their lives LOL :D Gotta love FREEDOM XD.

When I did get back on my laptop, I missed a lot in 2 days. There was a lot to catch up on. If only I did have another place I wwould rather, everything would be so simple. But Life aint easy. If it is, it's just giving you a break for the next trouble.

Don't judge my choices without understanding my reasons.

There's more to me but you're choosing not to see

I realise that you weren't just a dream, or part of reality, you were my wish that came true

Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.

That part of me

I wish I could just forget you. And all the memories. But I never want to forget the way I felt around you. I never want to forget what love felt like when we were in it. If I could turn back time and stop myself from getting on that school bus to melacca, I wouldn't.

It was the start of something new.

Fasting Time !!!

Ramadhan has arrived! The month where food is at it's cheapest. Everybody is cooking for each other. Eating together. Like a social month.
It started on th 21st of this month. Still trying to get the hang of it. I should be use to it by tomorrow. I never woke up at 5am to eat yet. Can't seem to get that in my system LOL So I just cope with last night's dinner. The days seem longer now. And the nights...shorter. Time's moving so fast. I wish it would just slow down or hit PAUSE.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow

Sometimes all you need is a second chance, because time wasn't ready for the first one.

I can't give you my all... not right now..

With you... Without you...

...........................

I'm happy but sad,
Pain is not what I want,
My situation is bad,
We're apart but not done.

You were the perfect piece,
For the puzzle in my heart.
Wthout you, I can't find peace,
Loving you, has no doubt...

With you, I'm whole
Without you, I'm gone
With you, I see my soul
Without you, I'm no one...

...........................

Missing you is my favourite mistake right now...

The best relationships are the ones you don’t expect to be in, the ones you never saw coming. . .

I feel like there's more than distance between us.....

I want to, I need to but I can't . . .

I want to be with you. My heart needs to be with yours. But I can't. I'm not gonna hurt us again. Though my happiness is gone, I rather not be happy than see you hurt. If we are meant to be, we will be. I know you need time... And time is all I can give.

I'm not gonna ruin your happiness just because I'm undecided. I Love You but I can't be with you. You have every right to be mad. You have every right not to talk to me again.

I rather see you happy with someone else than unhappy with me...

I'm afraid ....

Everybody has an addiction. Mine happens to be mistakes.

Leaving will always be the hardest part

I'm sorry

I know I promised a lot of things.. And I know things have changed. It's not as easy as I thought it would be. When I'm with you, it's us against the world. But when we're apart, I feel broken. I can't handle the distance. From the beginning I told you that. But you always convinced me to try. And I did. I tried. And failed. And for you, I tried again. And failed again. But you didn't see the effort I put in there, did you? You just think I didn't try hard enough. Well, guess what? I'm not superwoman to handle everything and get everything perfect. Plans change.

I'm sorry. I really am. i really did try. But I'm not strong enough. When I'm with you, the distance didn't look very far. I didn't know what i was getting myself into. I just knew I was afraid. So here we are. With distance between us.

People make mistakes. We're not excluded.

I want to put this all behind us

My mistake was putting you through all of this crap. Look where we are now.. But I don't regret anything that happened. You are the love of my life.

I'm not saying we can never be apart if we are together. I'm just saying I'm not ready for it now. My current situation has enough pressure on me already. I didn't want to get you in the middle of problems... If I was with you, you would have the littlest of my time. And it wouldn't be right or fair to you.

I'm really sorry it ended this way. But it is what it is. I hope you realise that...

Back For the WEEKEND

Hey, I'm back..in Penang. I spent my weekend in KL and I had a BLAST! (obviously) lol. Never would have had much fun without my two besties for life

Its been a day and a half and I MISS THEM like crazy!!!!! But you gotta do what you gotta do.. And I'm slowly coping with the life here, though i still hate being here.

I realise now that I'm not letting myself like this place because I dont want to get out of my comfort zone. Living in KL is easy. So many friends and families are there. It's about time I accept my life here now and just make the best of it :)

Thanks Charming....for understanding. I may be older but you're definitely and obviously the matured one in our relationship. I'm sorry to have put you through hell. I'm sorry for a lot of things. I'm happy where where our relationship is at now :) I hope you feel the same way. Thank you for being the guy that I'll never forget.

Thank you to all of you that has hurt me the most because you guys are the ones I hold dear in my life. Thanks for putting a smile on my face :)

THANKS guys for being in my life :) I love y'all.

Dear Charming,

Love,
The one who never stopped loving you

I need you...

Even though I promised myself I wouldn't risk the chance of getting hurt again, for some reason, when I’m with you, it all seems worth it. Even behind all that pain, I still smile when I remember us.

I need to be in your arms again. I need your love to live. I've been dying everyday. I'm exhausted from missing you every single second. Knowing you're not mine anymore just makes me think of another girl taking my place in your heart.

I want you back.. I just don't know what I should do.. I'm going out of my mind thinking about all the freaking " WHAT IF's " in the world. I really don't need another reason to hate where I am. You would be the perfect reason I would come home to. And you would be the perfect reason why I wouldn't want to leave.

I have 8 years away from you, only coming home for a couple of weeks at a time. Then we have months apart. I would be crying everytime and I know, with you, my tears will never run dry. I would be killing us repeatedly by leaving. And I can't handle that.

I need you back so badly. I wish I was strong enough to face the distance. But I don't think I am. I miss the way it felt back then, I want to feel that way again. But I'm not gonna put you through the pain and the sufferring over and over again, everytime I leave.

It may not be good for us. You might find someone else to make you happy. But this is what's best for us. You get to live your life without me tearing you up inside with my every departure. And we'll both slowly move on, though we won't really ever forget.

You're the love of my life. The one I'll never forget. The one I love and hurt the most.

I'm doing this because I love you.
I love you so much... <3

Maybe we just weren't meant to be...

I know I've changed...or at least trying to. I don't want to hurt you anymore but being with you was hurting me. I just couldn't handle our last fight. I wasn't ready when you asked for a time-out. That request broke me for good. You know what it did to us the first time that happened. For you to make me go through that again was just unbearable. I figured that if we broke up for good, it wouldnt hurt as much as waiting for a month. But I guess there's not much difference. The pain of leaving you is taking it's own sweet time to fade away. But once it's gone, it's gone for good. If I waited, isn't there a possibility that we might take a time-out for a third time? And I wasn't prepared to relive the pain of waiting over and over again.

I miss you a lot. I still love you as much as I did before. What got between us was my life here and I have 2 1/2 more years in this place.. I thought we could get through it until you showed me that you couldn't handle the way i adapted or the way I handled things. I wanted us to last. I wanted to be with you for as long as I can.

If you can question whether my love for you was real or not, what the hell was I doing with you for 8 and a half months...???

Time...

I feel so lost without you. I feel the emptiness in my heart. Time may heal all wounds but the scar will never fade. Thank you for everything but I'm better here without you in ways you wouldn't understand.

Time away from you is what I have now. And I will move on, no matter how hard or painful it will be.

She Deserves Better

I've seen the hurt. I've seen the pain. I've been through it before. But this is different. She devoted her life to you. She She loves you with all her heart. She got use to being second best in everything for you. But you can even sacrifice the littlelest of things for her. It's sad to watch. I would never really understand how she lived all these years. Her patience and love for you was always number one. But you couldn't do the same until now.

Things are never going to change. It's been this way for too long. Yet she stills stands by your side as number 2 knowing that will never change. She's not stuck with you but she chooses to be with you. She was so naive at the beginning thinking everything would be fair. You chose to do it this way. She followed because of love.

No matter what she does, she'll always be treated as second best. I just hope you can see the sacrifices that she made knowing it would never change a thing.

The Call I Dreaded

I knew you would call. I expect your call everyday. I tell myself I won't pick up when I see your picture on my screen. At night, when the day is almost over, and you didn't call, I smile and cry. Smile because I survived the day without a teardrop. Cry because I know how much I wanted to see your picture on my screen but you never called.

The call that I prepared myself for came. You finally called. At the wrong place. At the wrong time. I was in the car, with my parents. I was guiding my Mum to a restaurant we had dinner at earlier because my Dad couldn't find his wallet in the car.

The moment I heard your voice, I lost mine. I lost all my strength and energy. Tears started falling and I cursed under my breath. I was angry at myself for crying over you after all the nights of praticing how I would react when I had to face you.

I got angry at myself knowing I'm still weak with you. And you heard it but you misinterpreted it. All those nights before, my tears got less and less. I was getting stronger without you. Just by the sound of your voice through the phone, all those tears that didn't fall, fell with all my feelings.

I miss everything about you. I miss your company. I miss your love. I miss your charm. I miss everything that makes you the guy I fell in love with. But we are no longer together. And with every reminder of you, makes our situation a blur to me. I can't have that.

I know we are not together. There is no more us. I'm trying so hard to move on. And I need you to move on as well for me. Knowing you're still waiting holds me back. No one can replace you. No one can repair the piece of my heart that is gone. What you need to do is very simple.

Don't remind me though I will never forget. Move on though a piece of me will forever hold on to the past.

I will always love you. Thats something no one can take away.

What A Day...!

I got my blackberry today. Oh, how I missed technology. And all my contacts XD. The day was quite tiring. Only now I'm able to sit on the bed to relax, and my right foot is swollen, literally. I think something bit me though. Anyways, Dad bought me a fridge for my apartment ( THANKS DADDY!!! ) I'll survive a little longer now.

Eventhough I spent most of my day in the car between places, I never forgot what day it was. 29th of June!!! Lol I'm sure not many people know what that means. I'm blocking out all my feelings that have to do with a particular someone. If I didn't, I'd be spending most of my time debating with myself " To Call or Not To Call''. LOL

To P.C. ,
Happy What Could've Been...

Some leave only because it is easier to walk away than to fight for what they really want...

I'm sorry I gave up on us...

I Want To Move On

I still think about him. Everyday. All the time. Like always. And I haven't stopped. But I desperately need to. It's killing me. My thoughts of him are consuming my very soul. And I found a way to get him out of my head. And I think I'm going crazy because I'm willing to risk anything.

The motorbike was just the beginning. I don't know what other crap I'm going to put myself through just to get over him. Well, at least I'm trying something. I know that whatever I do, he'll always be a part of my life because he was real. What him and I had was real. But I guess my feelings and the way i expressed them to him weren't strong enough to make him stay.

I want to move on. . . I have to...

Desperate for action

Its been 3 days since my motorbike adventure. And life is slowing down. I can't let myself sit still because he'll get into my head and all the feelings that i'm trying to bury will come rushing to the surface. I need an adventure. I need...the DANGER....

Sleepover... EVERYONE's invited ;)

The weekend finally arrived. Thank God. It felt like forever. My house would be lifeless if I wasn't in it. The rest of them were on holiday so I decided to get together with a few hundred friends in college :) LOL ( i wish ) I only invited the close ones. I didn't want unwanted attention from the guards for having both sexes of our species under one roof with 6 beds and 3 bedrooms available for use ;) lol.

NAAHHH!!!! I'm mixing with the good kids in college. Not including the horny couples :P So we all got together for a night. The couple didnt want to leave. They preferred sleeping next to each other than in separate houses. So everybody stayed another night. LOL :D it was fun. We blasted music through the speakers. We danced. We ate. We drank (coke/water :P ) lol. We played cards. Some games I haven't even heard of.

5 mattresses all laid out side by side in the hall. Everyboddy slept there. Said it was more fun and it was anyway.

The next sleepover is going to be a BLAST !

First Lesson on a Motorbike

The weekend was reaching it's end. I didn't want it to be just another "Goodbye" or "See you tomorrow". So, I got a friend to tutor me to ride a motorbike :D



LOL I wish that was the bike i rode. haih... dreams... I learnt my first lesson on a normal daily motorbike you see on the road. It was quite exciting.

I learnt the gears and brakes and I was off on my own. WITHOUT a helmet. WHAT FUN!!! I somehow wanted the danger. I felt the need to do something off the rails, ignoring all the warning calls in my head. The first gear was quite ok but I changed to the 2nd gear to early. The bike lurched forward and I lost control for a second. I Changed the gear again and with more power, I almost lost the handles. I shifted it back to the 1st gear and slowed down. I rode to find my friend and she asked me to stop in front of her. I could've have done it, if the brakes worked or if I knew how to work them. She dogded out of the way just in time. I pressed the brakes even harder and the bike finally slowed down.

My friend said '' Go ride again until you are able to control the brakes and stop infront of me.'' So I went again on 2 more rounds before I perfected it.

what an experience ! ! ! I do hope I get to ride again soon.

Future RIDER ;)

ZzZz

It's 2.30am and i'm going to sleep...

Farewell, Shobi

This morning, I was sick. Flu and cough. Minor asthma attack in the mix of it all. I blame these crazy people for pushing me into the pool last night. LOL It was freaking cold.



But it was worth it. They make college life fun because they love to have fun. They don't take no for an answer. They don't care about the rules.

This party was for Shobi. She's a senior and she's done with her diploma. It was her last day last night so we thought of celebrating ;)





The pictures are kinda dark. They were taken with Charlie's phone.




This is his girlfriend and him. He's Siamese from Perlis and she's Indian from Kelantan.

No one had a proper camera so these pics are the only reminder of that fun night.

The cake. Yum Yum


The cake was so delicious. Everybody had a piece except Shobi. She fed us all. before she could have a piece, Charlie decided to throw it at us. I ran. So everybody was covered with cake except me. Its ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE to wash cake out of long hair.



WHAT A NIGHT

P/S more photos COMING SOON to my facebook

Tired . . .

Life hasn't been so up lately. Well, no one said it was going to be easy. Now I'm just TIRED...

Tired from studing till 6am. Tired from taking the tests today. Tired because I haven't slept enough. Tired knowing I'm playing badminton this evening. Tired because there's a party tonight that I can't miss. Tired from feeling tired.

Eventhough the most tiring is thinking about that someone, thoughts won't change the fact. So if I were to write what I really felt inside, I would be stuck on the same topic everyday. And that would be tiring...lol



So I'm gonna sleep now. Hopefully when I wake up, I'll have a dream to blog about.

CIAO xoxo

I Let . .

I let my heart fall apart,
I let you slip away,
I let distance split us far,
No longer does your path cross my way.
I let myself fall in love again,
I thought you were the one,
Now all I feel is pain,
Beside me, there's none.
Friends and family don't fill the hole,
The one now my heart holds.
You were the one I held dear,
I LOVE YOU was all I knew to say,
Losing you was all my fear,
Dont forget me, if I may say.
As life goes on without reason,
No one is to blame,
Eventhough tragic has won,
Our love was no game. . .

Take care . . .

I don't know where we are ... It's never gonna be the same again after this. This happened before. 2 months ago. It nearly killed us both. But we held on to something that was worth the wait. I never wanted to go through that again. I still don't want to. I wanted to be with you but things changed and I dont think I can go through this again. I have my finals in 2 months. Looking at my life now, that is what matters most now.

I'm sorry.... I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong enough. This happened before and it's happening again. I can't bare the thought of the possibility of a third time. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be the reason why, everytime we wake up in the morning, we both know that I'm the problem. Just like every other relationship I had. I'm always the problem. I can feel us dying. I don't wanna hurt us anymore. I don't wanna take away our lives. I don't wanna be a murderer.

We'll live through this. Although it will take time, this will all just be a memory when we look back...

You deserve better. You're Prince Charming and I ain't a princess worthy of you. It's a fact that I've denied all this time for your sake. Now I have to face the truth. The longer you are with me, the more hurt you'll get till I destroy you. If we are destined to be together, faith will bring us back together. But right now, we are on two different paths.

Don't let me stop you from living your life. There's so many other people out there just waiting for a guy like you. We had our time. Maybe we'll have another chance next time. Who knows, maybe after some time, you and I will be normal again around each other. Till then..... No one knows the future so enjoy the present.

Good luck. May you explore what life has to offer :) I will always love you and I miss you..... Goodbye.

To The End

From Charming,
............................................
The gentle breeze blows, makes me feel weak,
As soft and warm as your hand on my cheek.
Under the oak, I stare at the empty space,
Thinking back to when I last saw your face.
Through the green forest your laughter does ring,
A memory so precious, a smile it does bring.
The morning sun burns bright and steady,
My end is coming, to face it, I'm ready.
My strength is gone, I collapse to the ground,
No one will know for none are around.
I close my eyes and your face comes to me,
My breath weakens, my life leaving me.
The lights are going out, my sight to fade,
My life flashes by as though being unmade.
My days with you I shan't forget,
In this life I have lived I hold no regret.
You and I shared a life side by side,
The joy of our moments abide.
You know how I feel as I pass away,
Those three words are still there to say . . .
.............................................
To,
Beauty

Maybe the sun has set in our paradise...

Maybe it's my fault.... When you were always there for me, I took your presence for granted. I was busy with studies to even send you a text. But now, that just sounds like an excuse. I always had this feeling that you will always be there. It was what kept me going. Even if I didnt call or text, I knew you're still there for me. So i concentrated on my studies because If i push that aside, I lose my future. But if I push you aside, I had a love string attached to you, so i knew you cant go far. But I guess things change...

When I was in KL, you were no. 1 I came back for a holiday and YOU were the 2nd person I met after my mum picked me up from the bus station. I just wanted to see you. And I did. For a few hours in fact. A minute would be enough to make me smile.

I loved you with all my heart but you wanted words instead. I don't know how to heal from this.... Tears don't help at all. It's just proof that I was hurt by you.

I LOVE YOU is magic. If it's on repeat everyday, where's its specialty to all the other daily words..??

I LOVE YOU... or maybe now I should say I LOVED YOU. I never doubted you. Yet you questioned me.. I told you I wrote it but you didn't believe me. Because you didn't trust me enough, you walked away. After I showed you proof, now you want to come running back to me???

I shouldn't have to prove myself if you trusted me as much as I trusted you.

Maybe the sun has set in our paradise...

I dont know . . .

I don't know if I can ever heal from this... I don't know if we are meant to be... I dont know if this was fated... I dont know who's fault this is... I don't know if my love for you is the same... I dont know if we can move on from this.. I don't know if I can handle the pressure... I don't know if we are worth it... I don't know...

Unexplainable

I gave you my heart, and that’s all I can give you. If that’s not enough, I’m not enough. I didn't know I needed reasons to love you. I didnt know you had a reason. All I know that love is unreasonable, unconditional, unbearable and unexplainable. But you had a reason when I didn't.














I wish telling you that I LOVE YOU was enough but I guess its not enough for you to hear. Love is a feeling not an excuse or reason. Back in the old days, the words " I LOVE YOU " meant the world and it was the most powerful saying. The words and its meaning didn't change. People did. Love knows no reasons, Love knows no lies, Love defines all reasons, Love has no eyes but love is not blind, Love sees all but doesnt mind . . .

You always asked why do I love you... I didnt have an answer and you could hear it in my voice. Because you kept asking, I told you what you wanted to hear. A REASON. I never asked why do you love me but I did ask why did you choose me.. You gave me 20 reasons why you love me, 20 more reasons why love me and 20 infinite reasons why you love me. I cried just at looking at the title not because you loved me. Because you had a reason. I didn't have a reason and you had 60 reasons.

What if I wasn't beautiful??? What if I didnt hold the back of your neck the next time you kissed me?? What if I ate bittergourd just before you kissed me?? would I still taste as sweet??? I have 60 " WHAT IF"s all based on your reasons for loving me.

You may be more matured than your friends but your still a high school kid who has a lot of learning to do. I dont know if I'm willing to wait for you to grow up...

The letter (29/5/2012)

The letter that I wrote after being with you for the past 8 months but never gave to you . . .

..........................................
I can no longer picture a life without you by my side. Every wish I have nowadays is about us and a future together. You are my heart and soul. if you ever leave, life wouldnt be the same. I would lose my mind for a few months maybe then realise you might have just been a dream.

I am thankful and grateful that I've been fated tto be with you this long and maybe longer, hopefully forever. I'm missing you everyday and it would've killed me if my love for you wasnt strong enough to wake me up each morning. All my life, I've never met a guy like you. I never wanted to hold on to someone so badly. I would lay down my life for you. Thats how important you have become to me. I always thought I had a problem with commitment. i always felt that somehow, whenever i broke up with someone, it was because of who I am that they can't live with. You became the guy that I've been waiting for.

You are the one I want. You are the one I love. You are the one I can't live without. You are the one I need. When I'm with you, I feel loved. I feel safe. I feel like I'm at home. My heart is with you no matter where I am, no matter where you are. You are the part of me that makes me feel whole.

Knowing that you mean so much to me, scares me. All you need to do is leave or disappear and my life would fall apart. You're my everything. You could break me until i'm inconsoleable. People change all the time. It's natural and normal. Not knowing what is going to happen to us in the future scares me. I love you too much to lose you.

I go to sleep every night looking out my window wishing on a star that you will be mine forever. I'll never see a more beautiful night than the one I'll spend watching the stars with you, falling asleep in your arms. When I see you smilling, my heart flutters. When you kiss me, I feel like I'm flying. I would never want to miss a moment with you. In my heart, I know you're the love of my life I would never let go.
...............................................

Fate had different plans for us when I got back. This letter and my love was all that I had for you. You gave me countless letters and a folio/scrapbook of us. I know I've changed since I left to college. You just couldnt accept the difference.

I Can't

There’s a little pain behind every “its ok.” I know I’m a very patient person. It takes quite a lot to hit a nerve in me. Even with a lot of patience, there’s always a limit. The people you really care about have the power to create the happiest moment or stab your heart with the sharpest knife. Realising that you’re the reason I’m smiling and the reason why I’m crying just shows that I care about you.

But I can’t change you. I can’t make you see some people the way I see them. I can’t make you stop talking about “that”. I can’t make you stop killing me inside. I can’t make you understand why I see things differently. I can’t stop being happy with others just because you don’t like them. I can’t do everything your way. I can’t live life the way you want me to.
So get over the fact that I am who I am. Don’t tell you what to do, I just advise you but I give you a choice because it’s your life not mine. I listen so shouldn’t you do the same? I support you, so why am I left alone?

Don't...

Things happen for a reason. Dont assume everything that happens to me is your fault. I have a life to lead, decisions to make and a diploma to achieve. So don't keep watching me and my every move because i dont stick to schedules. I do crazy stuff just to not follow a daily routine. I do things spontaneously just out of boredom. I cant live with people always asking "why did you do that?" because i dont even know! ! ! I just did it so get over it. Dont go around asking people about their lives when you already got your own to fulfill.
Don't worry about what others might think. Don't worry about what goes on in someone else's life. Don't have so low self-esteem coz it brings others down with you. Dont be sad about what happened today because there's still tomorrow. Don't beg for one thing when you have so many other choices to choose from. Don't get obsessed over someone when there are so many other people around you. Don't give up on your life because someone out there wishes to have what you have. Don't be afraid to reject something you dont want. Don't be afraid to get a new boyfriend eventhough you have feelings for your ex because he might be able to make you forget about your past. Dont be so negative about anything because things can always get better ...

The distance...

I'm in love with you... not the distance. I was afraid before. That the distance might draw us apart. That someone you see everyday might make you happier than just talking with me through the phone. I was afraid of what I didnt know. I was afraid of being replaced. . .

Now that we're two halves of a whole, I'm fine. Better in fact. I miss you more everyday. I miss you while I'm talking to you. And the distance makes everything worse but my feelings for you grow at the same time. I'm happy. And I hope you're happy too. I dont care how far you are because my heart is always with you. We're gonna make it and i'm screwing the distance for the one who has my heart <3

Distractions...and you're one of them...

The perfect distraction = YOU. I would stop my work for you. I would put my pen down just to read your text with my right hand (im right-handed). I'll continue my work while deciding what to reply and sometimes you slip my mind. Then I stop writing because you crossed my mind and I start smiling. Then I remember your last unreplied text and get straight to it.

I'm becoming a maniac, insomniac just thinking about how you're doing. You're the guy of my dreams. Loving you could be a crime because you take my breath away. Its classic how we met. On a school trip to Malacca. That was when I noticed you from the crowd. I still remember your bright coloured shorts you wore to the water park. The people who know us would turn their heads to look at us together. Maybe I'm just lovedrunk. Cant seem to stop you from running through my mind. It will never stop now that you're mine. You got that something girls read in fairytales. This is it. This is our time. We're never gonna get any younger than this. I'm glad my prince charming is you because you're worth everything most guys are not. You're worth my heart and soul. You're worth irreplaceable time. You're worth every risk that I would take. You will always be my first choice.

I'm so so sorry I'm not the talker you would prefer me to be. Im not the type to talk it about how i really feel properly even though you can say a million words and i'll still be JUST listening. I dont know how to comfort you through the phone when all I want to do is hug you tight and SHOW you I'm there for you. I could listen to you a whole day and just know what i'm gonna write in reply. You are amazing with words and you're my weakness that I would never want to get strong from. I cant tell you what you wanna hear. Even when you ask me to say something, nothing crosses my mind except a smile and "I love this guy and he's mine." I take out bits and pieces from the draft in my head and tell you some of it. I would open my heart if I could and all you would see is you. I think about you even in the darkest hour of the night.

I love you for who you are. Its not because you're taller than me. Or not fat. Or your favourite colour is blue. I dont mind not eating cake with you for dessert when we go out. We could share a drink. I dont mind If you can't have half of my cookie. I'll give you my whole heart instead. I dont care which side of the bed you want to sleep on, I'll turn to you (future reference) I dont care if you cant lick the chocolate of my lips, I'd eat sugus instead. The things I'd do for you is all out of love. Dont hate yourself because I love you just the way you are. Wouldnt love you any other way. I'm not looking for perfection because it doesnt exist but you do and I found you. My love, My heart, My home.... You're everything...

Charming... My home.....

The days since you left pass slowly by,
The nights alone in my room i sit down and cry,
The swmell of your perfume brings back our moments again,
Do you still love me, my love, do you feel my pain?
We talked, We dated, and in love we both fell,
You left, I stayed back, my life became living hell,
Each day I plan how to see you tomorrow,
When I recall your absence, my heart fills with sorrow.
Our picture in my wallet is rugged and torn,
My tears faded the ink, often i mourn,
I miss you so much, I've loved you for so long,
I know that I must but I cannot stay strong.
I know that you've gone so far away,
But forever with you my heart will stay,
I love you my lady, my beauty, my heart,
I understand no longer why we are apart.
Love is neither true or false, love is love,
My soul cries for you like a mourning dove,
With you, my heart will forever roam,
i need you by my side, you're love is my home...

Written by The one that has my heart.

Happy Happy Happy XD

Feeling over-joyed with everything that happened in the past TWO days XD

First, Thanks mum for driving 4 hours in that lexus with "hot" rims just to see me in Penang. Love you so much for that. I know you hate driving but you did it anyway. so happy to se you :D. Bro, Thanks for acting like youre 19 for more hours than acting like youre 9. I wouldnt mind if you REALLY WERE 9 but youre not ok. Thanks dad for paying for everything that i needed. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU ! ! !

Wireless Broading now in my hands he he he ( sinister scientist laugh ) lying down on my bed with internet is FREAKING awesome in a place where im at.

Thanks to Banana, LoverBoy, and spoilt Brat. Im smilling again. Im united once more with the love of my life. Charming, I love you. No matter where. no matter what. I love you. and no matter what i do or say, im always loving you.

Internet

13th of April
Internet sucks here. Wifi keeps getting disconnected. Sigh. I hate this. Whatever. Just gotta hang in there and stay calm. Though I do feel like killing someone. Classes haven’t even started yet and I already feel so……GAH‼ Just wanna scream out loud. I’ve been lazing around for the past few days wishing my classes started last week. I can’t stand boredom. It’s suicidal. Can’t do much or anything at all with internet that gets stuck everytime you change the webpage. I miss my bloggy….. This SUCKS‼ The apartment has no internet so I gotta go to the library instead. Its not that bad coz its not that far. So whatever.... Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do...

I'm in college.

This was written on the 8th of April :) I’m in COLLEGE‼ Classes start tomorrow. I’m doing my Diploma in Medical Science. There’s only 3 of us who registered for this class. How AWESOME! Dad is persistent about me being a doctor so what the hell. At least it’s something. Never crossed my mind though but I’m doing it anyway.
I’m staying in an apartment with 5 other girls. 2 in 1 bedroom. I would be fine if the bedroom was a bit bigger. My closet is in the hall. That’s how small my room is. But other than that, everything is fine. There’s a mini market and mamak stalls downstairs. They don’t allow cooking in the apartments. They are afraid of someone accidently leaving the gas open. The food here is tasteless though. I keep adding kicap to my food. I have yet to try the burgers ;)
There are cats around here. And they are so cute  There’s one full white cat that I named snowy. It’s a female. She’s very manja and harmless but some people have this ridiculous phobia of it. Haha :D Its boring around here. Maybe its because my classes haven’t started. I have so much time but so little things I can do. There’s no internet where I stay. Its being installed. I heard it will be ready in 2 more months. So for internet, I have to go to the main building where they have classes or the library.
The hardest thing to handle over here is the memories of the past. It hits you out of the blue and so unexpected. During dinner last night at a mamak, the song “ Here Without You “ played. My friend left the table early to take a phone call. And I was just there, but my mind was somewhere else. I felt my tears fall and I hated it. I hate crying. Even though the memories are so precious, it still hurts knowing that they ARE only MEMORIES…. I miss Charming. I miss SpoiltBrat. I miss Mermaid. I miss Jivi. I miss Banana…. I miss the times I spent with them. At the time it feels like forever. Now it all seems so far away…

This time it hurts . . .

Well, I'm alone now. And loneliness does hurts. Before this day, I would smile when i thought about him. I would laugh at our pictures because we look great and cute together. Happy tears would fall reading the poetry he would write himself and give them to me. I would wake up with positive thoughts knowing I have his heart and he has mine. My day would just get brighter even though its raining just by listening to his voice. I always have this odd smile which he loves so much whenever he tells me he loves me. He's so peaceful when I tell him that I love him. When he's not around, I feel his arms and his warmth around my body. I feel his kisses on my lips. I smell his scent on my clothes. I feel like he's always right behind me. I feel...LOVED. He made me feel whole. With him, we were one person. Now everything changed.......

I broke up with him...for reasons I'm still trying to sort out. It was the most painful thing I ever did in my life. It hurts.... It hurts feeling so alone. I feel the walls closing in on me. I can hardly breathe. I'm crying so much I feel like I'm drowning in my tears. Everything that made me smile before, just makes me cry now. I feel so alone when I think about him. I cry at our pictures knowing those pictures are the past now. Reading his poetry now feels like a knife going straight through my heart. The memories is crushing my heart. I feel...COLD. I feel like half of a puzzle. I feel like....nothing...

Decided....

I'm back... And I've already made up my mind. Spm results are out. I know what can do. I know what I'll be doing. I'll be taking my Diploma in Encironmental Health at Allianze UniCollege of Medical Science (AUCMS) located in Kepala Batas, Penang. My intake is some time in April. Now I just gotta breathe and take it all in. Nicely contemplate the next 3 years of my life in college. Will it be as good as it sounds? Or is it gonna be "hell"????? I still can't decide what to feel.... Any ideas?

Deciding Moments

I need time to think. Decisions are required at this point. I needed a distraction so I decorated my blog. It was quite fun in the beginning. Then, the colour didnt match. And the font is too plain. So im leaving as it is till i feel like re-decorating :) So im going back to reality now, PEACE OUT ! !

2 months 2 long !

It's been exactly 2 months since i wrote here (seriously?) I know right. Thats a freaking long time (actually time went by fast) I didnt even realise it. I still remember celebrating my birthday like it was yesterday ( its not worth remembering this year, sigh) Anyways a lot has happened. I dont know where to begin. My blog is gonna be a mixture of my past and present life and what i felt or feeling :) If its confusing, try living it (its a lot harder).. This is a shout-out to BRAT, my dear friend, for giving me the (inspiration?) idea to write again. You know you love me ;)

XoXo
$ofi

Remember the PAST . . . ? ? ?

It's been 2 years since I wrote in this blog. I opened it and saw my past. I have enough written down in my diary to remember my past. Now i just wanna start fresh. New year, new stories, new memories :)

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2012 !

PS: I don't do all the creative background stuff. Just not my thing. I'm here just for the pleasure of writing.