I'm not ready...

Its been a few months. But it feels like just yesterday I was on my bed in my room explaining myself to him.

I'm still hurting, but I don't want to be anymore. I still love him, but I don't want to anymore. I still miss him and I hate the feeling.

Others are approaching. Some have potential, some can't take a hint.

I'm not ready for someone new.  I'm not ready to replace him. I'm not ready to put myself out there yet. I'm not ready to feel yet. I'm not ready to risk getting hurt. I'm not ready....

Maybe someone new...

I didn't think I could feel again. I thought I was permanently damaged. I thought I was out of it for good. The scar is still there. It still burns like ambers. I no longer look at at his photos. I no longer look at his profile. I no longer want to know about his life without me. I'm not sure if this is me moving on or is it just to painful to know.

All I know now is that someone else is constantly pushing him out of my head.

The BLAST....

It shocked me. Unexpected. Unannounced. Un-everything!! I knew change was inevitable. I knew it had to happen. I just didn't think it would be this soon.

I can hear every breath I take. My mind is reeling out of control. My future is now a blur... AA hates his new responsibility. He told me " I'm not ready." To be honest, i don't think he is either. But he's next in line. But it just doesnt feel right. he argues with her a lot. He wouldnt help when he's mad. I don't want to leave her life and future in his hands. I don't think he can put his emotions aside when he has to deal with matters involving her. It'll be like before, those time when we were kids, he won't help if he doesnt get what he wants.

I'm scared, freaking out. I'm willing to take the responsibility. Better me than him. I don't trust him to do the right thing when the time calls for it. He did say '' I'm the type that chooses family over friends". But they just expect me to go on with my life like nothing happened. They don't understand that I' not worried about me, I'm worried about them.

The BLAST, why so soon??? If only we had more time... If only we knew long before it came. If only they gave us more than a 24-hour notice. . .

If only....sigh...