The Call I Dreaded

I knew you would call. I expect your call everyday. I tell myself I won't pick up when I see your picture on my screen. At night, when the day is almost over, and you didn't call, I smile and cry. Smile because I survived the day without a teardrop. Cry because I know how much I wanted to see your picture on my screen but you never called.

The call that I prepared myself for came. You finally called. At the wrong place. At the wrong time. I was in the car, with my parents. I was guiding my Mum to a restaurant we had dinner at earlier because my Dad couldn't find his wallet in the car.

The moment I heard your voice, I lost mine. I lost all my strength and energy. Tears started falling and I cursed under my breath. I was angry at myself for crying over you after all the nights of praticing how I would react when I had to face you.

I got angry at myself knowing I'm still weak with you. And you heard it but you misinterpreted it. All those nights before, my tears got less and less. I was getting stronger without you. Just by the sound of your voice through the phone, all those tears that didn't fall, fell with all my feelings.

I miss everything about you. I miss your company. I miss your love. I miss your charm. I miss everything that makes you the guy I fell in love with. But we are no longer together. And with every reminder of you, makes our situation a blur to me. I can't have that.

I know we are not together. There is no more us. I'm trying so hard to move on. And I need you to move on as well for me. Knowing you're still waiting holds me back. No one can replace you. No one can repair the piece of my heart that is gone. What you need to do is very simple.

Don't remind me though I will never forget. Move on though a piece of me will forever hold on to the past.

I will always love you. Thats something no one can take away.

What A Day...!

I got my blackberry today. Oh, how I missed technology. And all my contacts XD. The day was quite tiring. Only now I'm able to sit on the bed to relax, and my right foot is swollen, literally. I think something bit me though. Anyways, Dad bought me a fridge for my apartment ( THANKS DADDY!!! ) I'll survive a little longer now.

Eventhough I spent most of my day in the car between places, I never forgot what day it was. 29th of June!!! Lol I'm sure not many people know what that means. I'm blocking out all my feelings that have to do with a particular someone. If I didn't, I'd be spending most of my time debating with myself " To Call or Not To Call''. LOL

To P.C. ,
Happy What Could've Been...

Some leave only because it is easier to walk away than to fight for what they really want...

I'm sorry I gave up on us...

I Want To Move On

I still think about him. Everyday. All the time. Like always. And I haven't stopped. But I desperately need to. It's killing me. My thoughts of him are consuming my very soul. And I found a way to get him out of my head. And I think I'm going crazy because I'm willing to risk anything.

The motorbike was just the beginning. I don't know what other crap I'm going to put myself through just to get over him. Well, at least I'm trying something. I know that whatever I do, he'll always be a part of my life because he was real. What him and I had was real. But I guess my feelings and the way i expressed them to him weren't strong enough to make him stay.

I want to move on. . . I have to...

Desperate for action

Its been 3 days since my motorbike adventure. And life is slowing down. I can't let myself sit still because he'll get into my head and all the feelings that i'm trying to bury will come rushing to the surface. I need an adventure. I need...the DANGER....

Sleepover... EVERYONE's invited ;)

The weekend finally arrived. Thank God. It felt like forever. My house would be lifeless if I wasn't in it. The rest of them were on holiday so I decided to get together with a few hundred friends in college :) LOL ( i wish ) I only invited the close ones. I didn't want unwanted attention from the guards for having both sexes of our species under one roof with 6 beds and 3 bedrooms available for use ;) lol.

NAAHHH!!!! I'm mixing with the good kids in college. Not including the horny couples :P So we all got together for a night. The couple didnt want to leave. They preferred sleeping next to each other than in separate houses. So everybody stayed another night. LOL :D it was fun. We blasted music through the speakers. We danced. We ate. We drank (coke/water :P ) lol. We played cards. Some games I haven't even heard of.

5 mattresses all laid out side by side in the hall. Everyboddy slept there. Said it was more fun and it was anyway.

The next sleepover is going to be a BLAST !

First Lesson on a Motorbike

The weekend was reaching it's end. I didn't want it to be just another "Goodbye" or "See you tomorrow". So, I got a friend to tutor me to ride a motorbike :D



LOL I wish that was the bike i rode. haih... dreams... I learnt my first lesson on a normal daily motorbike you see on the road. It was quite exciting.

I learnt the gears and brakes and I was off on my own. WITHOUT a helmet. WHAT FUN!!! I somehow wanted the danger. I felt the need to do something off the rails, ignoring all the warning calls in my head. The first gear was quite ok but I changed to the 2nd gear to early. The bike lurched forward and I lost control for a second. I Changed the gear again and with more power, I almost lost the handles. I shifted it back to the 1st gear and slowed down. I rode to find my friend and she asked me to stop in front of her. I could've have done it, if the brakes worked or if I knew how to work them. She dogded out of the way just in time. I pressed the brakes even harder and the bike finally slowed down.

My friend said '' Go ride again until you are able to control the brakes and stop infront of me.'' So I went again on 2 more rounds before I perfected it.

what an experience ! ! ! I do hope I get to ride again soon.

Future RIDER ;)

ZzZz

It's 2.30am and i'm going to sleep...

Farewell, Shobi

This morning, I was sick. Flu and cough. Minor asthma attack in the mix of it all. I blame these crazy people for pushing me into the pool last night. LOL It was freaking cold.



But it was worth it. They make college life fun because they love to have fun. They don't take no for an answer. They don't care about the rules.

This party was for Shobi. She's a senior and she's done with her diploma. It was her last day last night so we thought of celebrating ;)





The pictures are kinda dark. They were taken with Charlie's phone.




This is his girlfriend and him. He's Siamese from Perlis and she's Indian from Kelantan.

No one had a proper camera so these pics are the only reminder of that fun night.

The cake. Yum Yum


The cake was so delicious. Everybody had a piece except Shobi. She fed us all. before she could have a piece, Charlie decided to throw it at us. I ran. So everybody was covered with cake except me. Its ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE to wash cake out of long hair.



WHAT A NIGHT

P/S more photos COMING SOON to my facebook

Tired . . .

Life hasn't been so up lately. Well, no one said it was going to be easy. Now I'm just TIRED...

Tired from studing till 6am. Tired from taking the tests today. Tired because I haven't slept enough. Tired knowing I'm playing badminton this evening. Tired because there's a party tonight that I can't miss. Tired from feeling tired.

Eventhough the most tiring is thinking about that someone, thoughts won't change the fact. So if I were to write what I really felt inside, I would be stuck on the same topic everyday. And that would be tiring...lol



So I'm gonna sleep now. Hopefully when I wake up, I'll have a dream to blog about.

CIAO xoxo

I Let . .

I let my heart fall apart,
I let you slip away,
I let distance split us far,
No longer does your path cross my way.
I let myself fall in love again,
I thought you were the one,
Now all I feel is pain,
Beside me, there's none.
Friends and family don't fill the hole,
The one now my heart holds.
You were the one I held dear,
I LOVE YOU was all I knew to say,
Losing you was all my fear,
Dont forget me, if I may say.
As life goes on without reason,
No one is to blame,
Eventhough tragic has won,
Our love was no game. . .

Take care . . .

I don't know where we are ... It's never gonna be the same again after this. This happened before. 2 months ago. It nearly killed us both. But we held on to something that was worth the wait. I never wanted to go through that again. I still don't want to. I wanted to be with you but things changed and I dont think I can go through this again. I have my finals in 2 months. Looking at my life now, that is what matters most now.

I'm sorry.... I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong enough. This happened before and it's happening again. I can't bare the thought of the possibility of a third time. I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't wanna be the reason why, everytime we wake up in the morning, we both know that I'm the problem. Just like every other relationship I had. I'm always the problem. I can feel us dying. I don't wanna hurt us anymore. I don't wanna take away our lives. I don't wanna be a murderer.

We'll live through this. Although it will take time, this will all just be a memory when we look back...

You deserve better. You're Prince Charming and I ain't a princess worthy of you. It's a fact that I've denied all this time for your sake. Now I have to face the truth. The longer you are with me, the more hurt you'll get till I destroy you. If we are destined to be together, faith will bring us back together. But right now, we are on two different paths.

Don't let me stop you from living your life. There's so many other people out there just waiting for a guy like you. We had our time. Maybe we'll have another chance next time. Who knows, maybe after some time, you and I will be normal again around each other. Till then..... No one knows the future so enjoy the present.

Good luck. May you explore what life has to offer :) I will always love you and I miss you..... Goodbye.

To The End

From Charming,
............................................
The gentle breeze blows, makes me feel weak,
As soft and warm as your hand on my cheek.
Under the oak, I stare at the empty space,
Thinking back to when I last saw your face.
Through the green forest your laughter does ring,
A memory so precious, a smile it does bring.
The morning sun burns bright and steady,
My end is coming, to face it, I'm ready.
My strength is gone, I collapse to the ground,
No one will know for none are around.
I close my eyes and your face comes to me,
My breath weakens, my life leaving me.
The lights are going out, my sight to fade,
My life flashes by as though being unmade.
My days with you I shan't forget,
In this life I have lived I hold no regret.
You and I shared a life side by side,
The joy of our moments abide.
You know how I feel as I pass away,
Those three words are still there to say . . .
.............................................
To,
Beauty

Maybe the sun has set in our paradise...

Maybe it's my fault.... When you were always there for me, I took your presence for granted. I was busy with studies to even send you a text. But now, that just sounds like an excuse. I always had this feeling that you will always be there. It was what kept me going. Even if I didnt call or text, I knew you're still there for me. So i concentrated on my studies because If i push that aside, I lose my future. But if I push you aside, I had a love string attached to you, so i knew you cant go far. But I guess things change...

When I was in KL, you were no. 1 I came back for a holiday and YOU were the 2nd person I met after my mum picked me up from the bus station. I just wanted to see you. And I did. For a few hours in fact. A minute would be enough to make me smile.

I loved you with all my heart but you wanted words instead. I don't know how to heal from this.... Tears don't help at all. It's just proof that I was hurt by you.

I LOVE YOU is magic. If it's on repeat everyday, where's its specialty to all the other daily words..??

I LOVE YOU... or maybe now I should say I LOVED YOU. I never doubted you. Yet you questioned me.. I told you I wrote it but you didn't believe me. Because you didn't trust me enough, you walked away. After I showed you proof, now you want to come running back to me???

I shouldn't have to prove myself if you trusted me as much as I trusted you.

Maybe the sun has set in our paradise...

I dont know . . .

I don't know if I can ever heal from this... I don't know if we are meant to be... I dont know if this was fated... I dont know who's fault this is... I don't know if my love for you is the same... I dont know if we can move on from this.. I don't know if I can handle the pressure... I don't know if we are worth it... I don't know...

Unexplainable

I gave you my heart, and that’s all I can give you. If that’s not enough, I’m not enough. I didn't know I needed reasons to love you. I didnt know you had a reason. All I know that love is unreasonable, unconditional, unbearable and unexplainable. But you had a reason when I didn't.














I wish telling you that I LOVE YOU was enough but I guess its not enough for you to hear. Love is a feeling not an excuse or reason. Back in the old days, the words " I LOVE YOU " meant the world and it was the most powerful saying. The words and its meaning didn't change. People did. Love knows no reasons, Love knows no lies, Love defines all reasons, Love has no eyes but love is not blind, Love sees all but doesnt mind . . .

You always asked why do I love you... I didnt have an answer and you could hear it in my voice. Because you kept asking, I told you what you wanted to hear. A REASON. I never asked why do you love me but I did ask why did you choose me.. You gave me 20 reasons why you love me, 20 more reasons why love me and 20 infinite reasons why you love me. I cried just at looking at the title not because you loved me. Because you had a reason. I didn't have a reason and you had 60 reasons.

What if I wasn't beautiful??? What if I didnt hold the back of your neck the next time you kissed me?? What if I ate bittergourd just before you kissed me?? would I still taste as sweet??? I have 60 " WHAT IF"s all based on your reasons for loving me.

You may be more matured than your friends but your still a high school kid who has a lot of learning to do. I dont know if I'm willing to wait for you to grow up...

The letter (29/5/2012)

The letter that I wrote after being with you for the past 8 months but never gave to you . . .

..........................................
I can no longer picture a life without you by my side. Every wish I have nowadays is about us and a future together. You are my heart and soul. if you ever leave, life wouldnt be the same. I would lose my mind for a few months maybe then realise you might have just been a dream.

I am thankful and grateful that I've been fated tto be with you this long and maybe longer, hopefully forever. I'm missing you everyday and it would've killed me if my love for you wasnt strong enough to wake me up each morning. All my life, I've never met a guy like you. I never wanted to hold on to someone so badly. I would lay down my life for you. Thats how important you have become to me. I always thought I had a problem with commitment. i always felt that somehow, whenever i broke up with someone, it was because of who I am that they can't live with. You became the guy that I've been waiting for.

You are the one I want. You are the one I love. You are the one I can't live without. You are the one I need. When I'm with you, I feel loved. I feel safe. I feel like I'm at home. My heart is with you no matter where I am, no matter where you are. You are the part of me that makes me feel whole.

Knowing that you mean so much to me, scares me. All you need to do is leave or disappear and my life would fall apart. You're my everything. You could break me until i'm inconsoleable. People change all the time. It's natural and normal. Not knowing what is going to happen to us in the future scares me. I love you too much to lose you.

I go to sleep every night looking out my window wishing on a star that you will be mine forever. I'll never see a more beautiful night than the one I'll spend watching the stars with you, falling asleep in your arms. When I see you smilling, my heart flutters. When you kiss me, I feel like I'm flying. I would never want to miss a moment with you. In my heart, I know you're the love of my life I would never let go.
...............................................

Fate had different plans for us when I got back. This letter and my love was all that I had for you. You gave me countless letters and a folio/scrapbook of us. I know I've changed since I left to college. You just couldnt accept the difference.

I Can't

There’s a little pain behind every “its ok.” I know I’m a very patient person. It takes quite a lot to hit a nerve in me. Even with a lot of patience, there’s always a limit. The people you really care about have the power to create the happiest moment or stab your heart with the sharpest knife. Realising that you’re the reason I’m smiling and the reason why I’m crying just shows that I care about you.

But I can’t change you. I can’t make you see some people the way I see them. I can’t make you stop talking about “that”. I can’t make you stop killing me inside. I can’t make you understand why I see things differently. I can’t stop being happy with others just because you don’t like them. I can’t do everything your way. I can’t live life the way you want me to.
So get over the fact that I am who I am. Don’t tell you what to do, I just advise you but I give you a choice because it’s your life not mine. I listen so shouldn’t you do the same? I support you, so why am I left alone?